You see when I got clean, I was told that life didn't all the sudden become marshmellows and rainbows. We still have to deal with life on life's terms, which includes the wreakage of my past. Just cause I can get a clean pee test doesn't mean the law is gonna say "oh ok let's just brush all this under the rug shall we?" Nope...doesn't work like that. Though I am so very proud and excited to say that on April 1st I will be celebrating 4 years clean. 4 years of learning to live life in a productive and happy way. Finding faith and peace in my life. Being confident, loving myself and others, being happy with or without a partner. And most important learning to be content with or without monetary value. That's the hard one that I am trying to work on the most. Society revolves around money. And that is something I do not have.
Today I was brought down a little, I have been working so hard to do the right things and to get somewhere close to stable in my life. It just seems like I can't get ahead. Something always pops up. I was struggling with fear. Will we ever get out of this hole. I'm trying to have faith. Really the past year has been a total faith walk. Everymonth I wonder how our bills will get paid, but somehow and someway it happens. We have so many people who love us and help us so willingly. I guess I have a hard time because I don't want people to have to help us. I want to be able to be self supporting. I want stability. If not just living withoit fear that my kids won't have hot water or electricity. It hast happened yet, thankfully. God knows we've been so close and skimmed by. I just want to be able to get the kids new shoes when they need them. Instead we get shoe goo and patchwork up those shoes to last as long as they can until we can get up some kind of extra cash to get them more. I want them to have more. I want them to be able to have new clothes. I want to take them to the movies every now and then. Or boweling. I want to give them a flipping birthday party. I don't want to be a pity party. That's the last thing I want. I guess I just need to vent it out. I'm tired of working so hard and seeing so little in return. I wanna go back to school..I want to be a vet. But how will my family get by if I'm not working?
Life's been a hectic ride and I don't have a lot. But as much as I complain about how poor my family is and what we go without....I have some peace. My mind doesn't reek havoc on me as much. I'm able to love myself, I don't have to make situations worse. I can work through issues and try to get the best outcome. I'm not high..I'm not making it worse. Byron and I want to get married. But once again that cost money, once again our past haunts us. But I don't need a piece of paper or a reception to tell me that Byron is my husband. We pray for our family everynight. God knows our commitment to each other. God knows the covenant we share. Mabey one day I'll be able to plan a wedding and wear the dress...but...its not the most important thing right now. Byron is my stronghold. He tells me everytime I start to stress out. "Were gonna be ok Lexsey" and we are..God hasn't let us down yet. Fear gets the best of me a lot...but mabey its just God giving me opportunities to practice more faith. I wish he had a road map for me. There are decisions I want to make but I don't know if they are the right ones. I feel they are but they are going to be a big leap....I just don't know how to know for sure....guess God is laughing at me saying "ever heard of a leap of faith?"
Oh I'm such a pity party! I have a beautiful little girl who is happy and healthy. That alone is something so amazing. People are buring their children from a daycare fire this week and I can sleep sound tonight because Aleina is ok. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that my rent is paid this month. And I'm thankful for a husband that makes me feel beautiful and is the other half of my soul. I'm thankful for a mother and father that care for me and give selflessly to others. Life isn't easy, in fact it's downright hard. But I'm going to keep on trucking. I may not get a big break or a million dollars. But I have some things that those millionairs don't. I have peace with myself. [Most days anyways]
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Rodeo Time
So it's rodeo time, if you didn't catch that hint in the title...hehe...so that is basicaly what my days consist of. Rodeo and coming home to pass out in bed with Leinacorn. So with the next 3 weeks taking up my entire schedual with funnel cakes and camel feeding...my placement test for college is on the backburner. They only test on Mondays and its a 5 hour test. So I have to wait till after rodeo to take my test. Hopefully I'll test high enough to take some honors classes or something. I also havnt met with the financial advisor yet so I don't know how much assistance I'm getting. I'm looking for scholarships and such to apply for to help support us while I'm in school. I really need to go full time so I can get into A&M...but I'm scared to death on how I'm going to support my family in this. I'm putting a lot of faith in this and trying not to fear. Its just hard. I'm such a planner and I want it all laid out. Mabey that's why God has put it in my heart to do this. Mabey he wants me to go into the unexpected to show me how he can work in my life.
Also I'm still deciding what field I want to go into when (yes I said when not if) I get into vet school. I originally planned on small animal (ya know dog and cats) and go back for large animal (cows and horses) but after spending some time with my camel friends at the rodeo I kinda want to explore zooology too. But that's going to be a lot of schooling. Mabey I should just start with the basics and go from there.
And another thing..nothing related to my schooling goals, but just something on my mind. I have some family members that have been all about going vegitarian and semi vegan and all that crap. Which going vegitarian isn't crap don't get me wrong. I think you really have to look at the reasons your doing it and do it right if you do. When you do that you have to supplement your body with vitamins and such that your body needs and your not getting from salad crap. Which tells me if I have to suppliment my body to stay healthy when I quit meat..means my body needs meat. Meat isn't unhealthy, yea I hear a lot about red meat and all...yea large quanities are not prefered. But hey, there is plenty of other meat out there that isn't red. Chicken and fish to name a few. I don't know I guess I don't really get some peoples reasonings. I feel like people will buy into anything without checking all the facts. This book they are raving about "skinny bitch" is a diet fad basicly wanting you to buy their products and go vegan. Loosing weight is one thing. But diet isn't the only thing, exercise, and a healthy mind play a big part too. I realized today that I like my body. Yea I could tone up in some places....(your belly skin never goes back quite right after pregnancy) but really I do like it. I like feeling healthy, not like a hard breeze could knock me down. I guess I feel silly when I used to look at how skinny people were and judge my worth on what size jeans I could put on. I'm a healthy woman! I eat well and I try to exercise (now more so then in the past). But I'm beautiful and I don't need some fad diet to make me feel that way. Especially a book with two authors who profusly put the reader down and prey on a womans insecurities. I want someone to lift me up and encourage me not put me down. I don't have to accept treatment like that anymore. I determine how I am spoken too today. Mabey its cause of how much I've experienced in life that I don't fall prey to this PETA funded crap. Trying to say all meat is pumped with steriods and animals are skinned alive. Yea that happens everywhere! Whatever. I took a food production class and we learned the laws of what is and isn't allowed when processing meat in the slaughter houses. Reasearch when your market place gets it meat from make educated purchases. Cause let me tell you if you quit eating meat because of the horiffic actions that the meat production world is committing. Your all show and just want to say your doing something. Cause let me tell you, even if you don't eat meat all those things you think are happening aren't going to stop happening. Why don't you take this cause your supposedly fighting by being vegan and actually take action like putting a stop to the places you can find who do these crimes. Cause its stupid to just say your against something and then sit on your a** and sip coffee talking about how horrible it is. I hate that. But yea I'm going to end this little rant because I think it has gone on too long
Also I'm still deciding what field I want to go into when (yes I said when not if) I get into vet school. I originally planned on small animal (ya know dog and cats) and go back for large animal (cows and horses) but after spending some time with my camel friends at the rodeo I kinda want to explore zooology too. But that's going to be a lot of schooling. Mabey I should just start with the basics and go from there.
And another thing..nothing related to my schooling goals, but just something on my mind. I have some family members that have been all about going vegitarian and semi vegan and all that crap. Which going vegitarian isn't crap don't get me wrong. I think you really have to look at the reasons your doing it and do it right if you do. When you do that you have to supplement your body with vitamins and such that your body needs and your not getting from salad crap. Which tells me if I have to suppliment my body to stay healthy when I quit meat..means my body needs meat. Meat isn't unhealthy, yea I hear a lot about red meat and all...yea large quanities are not prefered. But hey, there is plenty of other meat out there that isn't red. Chicken and fish to name a few. I don't know I guess I don't really get some peoples reasonings. I feel like people will buy into anything without checking all the facts. This book they are raving about "skinny bitch" is a diet fad basicly wanting you to buy their products and go vegan. Loosing weight is one thing. But diet isn't the only thing, exercise, and a healthy mind play a big part too. I realized today that I like my body. Yea I could tone up in some places....(your belly skin never goes back quite right after pregnancy) but really I do like it. I like feeling healthy, not like a hard breeze could knock me down. I guess I feel silly when I used to look at how skinny people were and judge my worth on what size jeans I could put on. I'm a healthy woman! I eat well and I try to exercise (now more so then in the past). But I'm beautiful and I don't need some fad diet to make me feel that way. Especially a book with two authors who profusly put the reader down and prey on a womans insecurities. I want someone to lift me up and encourage me not put me down. I don't have to accept treatment like that anymore. I determine how I am spoken too today. Mabey its cause of how much I've experienced in life that I don't fall prey to this PETA funded crap. Trying to say all meat is pumped with steriods and animals are skinned alive. Yea that happens everywhere! Whatever. I took a food production class and we learned the laws of what is and isn't allowed when processing meat in the slaughter houses. Reasearch when your market place gets it meat from make educated purchases. Cause let me tell you if you quit eating meat because of the horiffic actions that the meat production world is committing. Your all show and just want to say your doing something. Cause let me tell you, even if you don't eat meat all those things you think are happening aren't going to stop happening. Why don't you take this cause your supposedly fighting by being vegan and actually take action like putting a stop to the places you can find who do these crimes. Cause its stupid to just say your against something and then sit on your a** and sip coffee talking about how horrible it is. I hate that. But yea I'm going to end this little rant because I think it has gone on too long
Thursday, February 24, 2011
This is my goal blog
I decided to make this blog to document my journey in life. Since got clean I have made leaps and bounds in my life. But now its really time to work towards some goals. For those of you who want to know what a crazy life is or just encourage me then this is your blog. First off i'd like to officially write down my 10 year goals.
1. Complete Junior College with a great GPA
2. Get accepted into A&M Vet school
3. Graduate from said school
4. Buy a home preferably on land
5. Restore my credit
6. Become financially stable
7. Have one more child
8. Get officially married, ceremony and all, white dress the whole shabang
9. Get a better vehicle
10. Become a healthier me, by eating better and quitting smoking for good
11. Work out regularly and gain a body that I want for myself
12. Somehow someway get a foal from Katiegurl (if you don't know who Katiegurl is...you should)
13. Be the best mother and wife I can be (yea kinda cheesy but had to throw it in)
14. The most important- Stay Clean and activly work my program
So those are them...I may add as I go along. But right now this blog is all about achieving these things. Any encouragment, advice and or commentary is welcome. But be prepared I can get quite heated and quite humorous all in one. Never know how these post will go. Wish me Luck
1. Complete Junior College with a great GPA
2. Get accepted into A&M Vet school
3. Graduate from said school
4. Buy a home preferably on land
5. Restore my credit
6. Become financially stable
7. Have one more child
8. Get officially married, ceremony and all, white dress the whole shabang
9. Get a better vehicle
10. Become a healthier me, by eating better and quitting smoking for good
11. Work out regularly and gain a body that I want for myself
12. Somehow someway get a foal from Katiegurl (if you don't know who Katiegurl is...you should)
13. Be the best mother and wife I can be (yea kinda cheesy but had to throw it in)
14. The most important- Stay Clean and activly work my program
So those are them...I may add as I go along. But right now this blog is all about achieving these things. Any encouragment, advice and or commentary is welcome. But be prepared I can get quite heated and quite humorous all in one. Never know how these post will go. Wish me Luck
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)