You see when I got clean, I was told that life didn't all the sudden become marshmellows and rainbows. We still have to deal with life on life's terms, which includes the wreakage of my past. Just cause I can get a clean pee test doesn't mean the law is gonna say "oh ok let's just brush all this under the rug shall we?" Nope...doesn't work like that. Though I am so very proud and excited to say that on April 1st I will be celebrating 4 years clean. 4 years of learning to live life in a productive and happy way. Finding faith and peace in my life. Being confident, loving myself and others, being happy with or without a partner. And most important learning to be content with or without monetary value. That's the hard one that I am trying to work on the most. Society revolves around money. And that is something I do not have.
Today I was brought down a little, I have been working so hard to do the right things and to get somewhere close to stable in my life. It just seems like I can't get ahead. Something always pops up. I was struggling with fear. Will we ever get out of this hole. I'm trying to have faith. Really the past year has been a total faith walk. Everymonth I wonder how our bills will get paid, but somehow and someway it happens. We have so many people who love us and help us so willingly. I guess I have a hard time because I don't want people to have to help us. I want to be able to be self supporting. I want stability. If not just living withoit fear that my kids won't have hot water or electricity. It hast happened yet, thankfully. God knows we've been so close and skimmed by. I just want to be able to get the kids new shoes when they need them. Instead we get shoe goo and patchwork up those shoes to last as long as they can until we can get up some kind of extra cash to get them more. I want them to have more. I want them to be able to have new clothes. I want to take them to the movies every now and then. Or boweling. I want to give them a flipping birthday party. I don't want to be a pity party. That's the last thing I want. I guess I just need to vent it out. I'm tired of working so hard and seeing so little in return. I wanna go back to school..I want to be a vet. But how will my family get by if I'm not working?
Life's been a hectic ride and I don't have a lot. But as much as I complain about how poor my family is and what we go without....I have some peace. My mind doesn't reek havoc on me as much. I'm able to love myself, I don't have to make situations worse. I can work through issues and try to get the best outcome. I'm not high..I'm not making it worse. Byron and I want to get married. But once again that cost money, once again our past haunts us. But I don't need a piece of paper or a reception to tell me that Byron is my husband. We pray for our family everynight. God knows our commitment to each other. God knows the covenant we share. Mabey one day I'll be able to plan a wedding and wear the dress...but...its not the most important thing right now. Byron is my stronghold. He tells me everytime I start to stress out. "Were gonna be ok Lexsey" and we are..God hasn't let us down yet. Fear gets the best of me a lot...but mabey its just God giving me opportunities to practice more faith. I wish he had a road map for me. There are decisions I want to make but I don't know if they are the right ones. I feel they are but they are going to be a big leap....I just don't know how to know for sure....guess God is laughing at me saying "ever heard of a leap of faith?"
Oh I'm such a pity party! I have a beautiful little girl who is happy and healthy. That alone is something so amazing. People are buring their children from a daycare fire this week and I can sleep sound tonight because Aleina is ok. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that my rent is paid this month. And I'm thankful for a husband that makes me feel beautiful and is the other half of my soul. I'm thankful for a mother and father that care for me and give selflessly to others. Life isn't easy, in fact it's downright hard. But I'm going to keep on trucking. I may not get a big break or a million dollars. But I have some things that those millionairs don't. I have peace with myself. [Most days anyways]
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